The Rules of St. Louis

Welcome to St. Louis. No, seriously, we're glad you're here and we hope you enjoy your stay. To ensure an enjoyable and less confusing visit --which may span for several years, but it's still only a visit unless you went to high school here-- we've prepared a list of rules. No need to memorize them, but a basic knowledge of how St. Louis operates will certainly make your stay go much more smoothly.

  • If you don't have muskaccioli at a wedding reception, you aren't legally married. Don't confuse this with mostaccioli, the Italian pasta dish. Muskaciolli may look and taste similar, but mostacioli is an "out of town" substitute for the real thing.

  • It's Farty. Not 64, not 64/40, not 40. Farty.

  • If your ravioli isn't toasted, it's considered raw. You can eat it raw if you want, but why would you want to do that? Properly toast it before you eat it.

  • "Where you at?" is a grammatically correct sentence, so quit trying to correct people who ask you that question.

  • Where you went to high school is acceptable identification if you went to a high school in St. Louis. If you went to high school outside of the St. Louis area, another form of identification will be required.

  • Eddie and Park is not an intersection, it's a street. Don't ask.

  • DeBaliviere is pronounced Dee BALL uh ver. The French are wrong.

  • It may look like an abandoned plot of land, but it's Ballpark Village. If you call it "the abandoned plot of dirt next to Busch Stadium" you may get a blank stare. Call it by its proper name: Ballpark Village.

  • Contrary to what you see when you drive east on Farty past the Arch, the Poplar Street Bridge is a completed project. It just appears unfinished. It was built that way on purpose. But you can drive across it once you can get past the construction stuff we store there.

  • It isn't the heat, it's the humidity. We all know this, so we only need to hear it a couple times a day, along with "If you don't like the weather, just wait a few minutes..."

  • Parking meters and red lights are just a suggestion.

  • The hoosiers here are not from Indiana. And, unlike Indiana, being called a hoosier is not necessarily a good thing.

  • We eat pork steaks. Not pork butt, not pork chops. Pork steaks.

  • It's okay to sit next to a Cubs fan, it's okay to marry a Cubs fan, it's okay to sell your unused tickets to a Cubs fan, but it isn't okay to BE a Cubs fan.

  • In St. Louis, you do not wash your clothes... you WARSH your clothes. And it doesn't take a Warsh U grad to understand the difference.

  • If you live in South County, you do not go to North County, and vice versa. You just don't.

  • The Metrolink is for going to the airport or Busch Stadium. If you want to go anywhere else... wait... why would you want to go anywhere else?

  • 270 North is actually 270 East and 270 West is actually 270 south.

  • Kirkwood Road is Lindbergh Boulevard.

  • And Lindell east at Grand is Olive.

  • One more: Chouteau is really Manchester.

  • Don't ask someone how to get to Verizon Wireless Amphitheater because they won't know. Ask them how to get to Riverport.